Saturday, June 2, 2018
The Secret Of Mentally Strong
How Is Secret Of Mentally strong Any People!
I have a Facebook friend whose life seems perfect. She lives in a gorgeous house. And she has a really rewarding career. And she and her family go on all these exciting adventures together on the
weekends. And I swear that they must
take a professional photographer along with
them, (Laughter) because no matter where they go or what they do, the whole family just looks beautiful. And she's always posting about how blessed
she is, and how grateful she is for the life
that she has. And I get the feeling that
she's not just saying those things for the sake of Facebook, but she truly means it. How many of you have a friend kind of like
that? And how many of you kind of don't like that person
sometimes? (Laughter) We all do this, right?
It's hard not to do. But that way of thinking costs us something. And that's what I want to talk to you about
today-- is what our bad habits cost
us. Maybe you've scrolled through
your Facebook feed and you think, So what if I roll my eyes? It's just five seconds of my time. How could it be hurting me? Well, researchers have found that envying your friends on Facebook, actually leads to depression. That's just one of the traps that our minds can set for
us.
Have you ever complained about your
boss? Or looked at your friends lives and thought, Why do they
have all the luck? You
can't help thinking that way, right? That way of thinking seems small in the moment. In fact, it might even make you feel better in the
moment. But that way of thinking is
eating away at your mental strength. There's three kinds of destructive beliefs that make us less effective, and rob us of our mental strength. The first one is unhealthy beliefs about ourselves. We tend to feel sorry for ourselves. And while it's OK to be sad when something
bad happens, self-pity goes beyond
that. It's when you start to
magnify your misfortune.
When you think
things like, Why do these
things always have to happen to me? I shouldn't have to deal with
it. That way of thinking keeps
you stuck, keeps you focused on the
problem, keeps you from finding a
solution. And even when you
can't create a solution, you can
always take steps to make your life or somebody elses life
better. But you can't do
that when you're busy hosting your
own pity party. The second type of
destructive belief that holds us back is
unhealthy beliefs about others. We think
that other people can control us, and we
give away our power. But as adults who
live in a free country, theres
very few things in life that you have to do. So when you say, I have to work
late, you give away your
power. Yeah, maybe there will be
consequences if you don't work late, but its still a choice. Or when you say,
My mother-in-law drives me
crazy, you give away your
power. Maybe she's not the
nicest person on earth, but it's
up to you how you respond to her, because
you're in control. The third
type of unhealthy belief that holds us back, is unhealthy beliefs about the world. We tend to think that the world owes us something. We think,If I put in enough hard
work, then I deserve
success. But expecting success
to fall into your lap like some sort of
cosmic reward, will only lead to
disappointment. But I know it's
hard to give up our bad mental habits. It's hard to get rid of those unhealthy
beliefs that we've carried
around with us for so long. But you
can't afford not to give them up. Because sooner or later, you're going to hit a time in
your life where you need all the mental
strength that you can muster.
When I was
23 years old, I thought I had life all
figured out. I graduated from grad
school. I landed my first big job as a
therapist. I got married. And I even bought a house. And I thought, This is going to be
great! I've
got this incredible jump start on success. What could go wrong? That all changed for me one day when I got a phone call from my sister. She said that our mother was found unresponsive and she been taken to the
hospital. My husband Lincoln and I
jumped in the car and rushed to the hospital. We couldn't imagine what could be wrong. My mother was only 51. She didn't have any history of any kind of health
problems. When we got to the
hospital, doctors explained
she had a brain aneurysm. And
within 24 hours, my mother, who used to
wake up in the morning saying, It's a great day to be
alive," passed
away.
That news was devastating to
me. My mother and I had been very
close. As a therapist, I knew on an
intellectual level how to go through grief. But knowing it, and doing it, can be two very different
things. It took a long time before I
felt like I was really healing. And then
on the three year anniversary of my mothers death, some friends called, and invited Lincoln and me to a basketball game
. Coincidentally, it was being played at the same auditorium where I'll last seen my
mother, on the night before
she passed away. I
hadn't been back there since. I
wasn't even sure I wanted to go back. But Lincoln and I talked about it, and ultimately we
said, Maybe that would be a
good way to honor her memory." So we went to the game. And we actually had a really good time with our
friends. On the drive home that
night, we talked about how great it
was to finally be able to go back to
that place, and remember my mother with a
smile, rather than all those feelings of
sadness. But shortly after we got home
that night, Lincoln said he didn't feel well. A few minutes later, he collapsed
. I had to call for an ambulance. His family met me at the emergency room. We waited for what seemed like forever, until finally a doctor came out. But rather than taking us out back to see Lincoln, he took us back to a private room, and sat us down, and explained to us that Lincoln, who was the most adventurous person I ever
met, was gone. We didn't know at the time, but he had a heart
attack. He was only 26. He didn't have any history of heart
problems. So now I found myself a
26-year-old widow, and I didn't
have my mom. I thought, How am
I going to get through this And to describe that as a painful period in my life feels like an understatement. And it was during that time that I realized when you're really going through tough
times, good habits aren't
enough. It only takes one or two small
habits to really hold you
back. I worked as hard as I
could, not just to create good habits in
my life, but to get rid of those small
habits, no matter how small they might
seem. Throughout it all, I held out hope that someday life could get
better. And eventually it
did. A few years down the road, I met
Steve. And we fell in love. And I got remarried. We sold the house that Lincoln and I had lived in, and we bought a new house, in a new area, and I got a new job. But almost as quickly as I breathed my sigh of
relief over that fresh start that I
had, we got the news that
Steves dad had terminal cancer. And I started to think, "Why do these things always have to keep
happening?" "
Why do I
have to keep losing all my loved ones? This isn't fair." But if I learned anything, it was that that way of thinking would hold me
back. I knew I was going to
need as much mental strength as I could
muster, to get through one more
loss. So I sat down and I wrote a
list of all the things mentally strong
people don't do. And I read over
that list. It was a reminder of all of
those bad habits that Iddone
at one time or another, that would keep me stuck. And I kept reading that list over and over. And I really needed it. Because within a few weeks of writing it, Steves dad passed away. My journey taught me that the secret to being mentally
strong, was that you had to give up your
bad mental habits. Mental strength is a
lot like physical strength. If you
wanted to be physically strong, you need to go to the gym and lift
weights. But if you really wanted to see
results, you also have to give
up eating junk food. Mental strength is the
same. If you want to be mentally
strong, you need good habits like
practicing gratitude. But you also have
to give up bad habits, like resenting
somebody elses success. No
matter how often that happens, it will
hold you back. So, how do you train your
brain to think differently?
How do you
give up those bad mental habits that
you've carried around with you? It starts by countering those unhealthy beliefs that I talked
about, with healthier ones. For example, unhealthy beliefs about
ourselves mostly come about because
we're uncomfortable with our feelings. Feeling sad, or hurt, or angry, or scared, those things are all uncomfortable. So we go to great lengths to avoid that
discomfort. We try to escape
it by doing things like hosting a pity
party. And although that's a
temporary distraction, it just prolongs
the pain. The only way to get through
uncomfortable emotions, the only way to
deal with them, is you have to go through them. To let yourself feel sad, and then move on. To gain confidence in your ability to deal with that discomfort. Unhealthy beliefs about others come about because we compare ourselves to other
people.
We think that they're
either above us or below us. Or we think
that they can control how we feel. Or
that we can control how they behave. Or
we blame them for holding us back. But
really, it's our own choices that do that. You have to accept that you're your own
person, and other people are separate
from you. The only person you should
compare yourself to, is the person that
you were yesterday. And unhealthy
beliefs about the world come about because deep down, we want the world to be fair. We want to think that if we put in enough good
deeds, enough good things will happen to
us. Or if we tough it out through enough
bad times, well get some sort of
reward. But ultimately you have to
accept that life isn't fair. And
that can be liberating. Yeah, it means
you won't necessarily be rewarded for your goodness, but it also means no matter how much you've
suffered, you're not doomed to
keep suffering.
The world
doesn't work that way. Your world
is what you make it. But of course
before you can change your world, you
have to believe that you can change it. I once worked with this man who had been diabetic for
years. His doctor referred him to
therapy because he had some bad mental
habits that were starting to affect his
physical health. His mother had died
from complications of diabetes at a young age, so he just believed he was doomed, and he given up trying to manage his blood sugar
altogether. In fact, his blood sugar had
gotten so high lately, that it was
starting to affect his vision. And he had
his drivers license taken away. And his world was shrinking. When he came into my office, it was clear he knew all the things he could do to manage his
blood sugar. He just didn't think
it was worth the effort. But eventually,
he agreed to make one small change. He
said, I'll give up my two liter-a-day Pepsi habit, and I'll trade it in for Diet
Pepsi. And he couldn't
believe how quickly his numbers started to improve. And even though he came every week to remind me how horrible Diet Pepsi tasted, he stuck with it. And once he started to see a little bit of
improvement, he said, "Well,
maybe I could look at some of my other habits.,
He said, I could trade in my nightly bowl of ice
cream for a snack with a little less
sugar. And then one day he was
at a thrift store with some friends, and
he found this beat-up old exercise bike. He bought it for a couple of bucks, and he brought it home, and he parked it in front of his
TV. And he started to pedal while he watch some of his favorite shows
every night. And not only did he lose
weight, but one day, he noticed he could
see the TV just a little bit more clearly
than he had before. And suddenly it
occurred to him, maybe the damage done
to his eyesight wasn't permanent. So he set a new goal for himself-- to get his drivers license back. And from that day forward, he was on
fire. By the end of our time together,
he was coming in every week saying, OK, what are we going to do this week?
Because he finally believed that he could change his
world. And that he had the mental
strength to change it. And that he could
give up his bad mental habits. And it
all started with just one small step. So
I invite you to consider what bad mental
habits are holding you back? What
unhealthy beliefs are keeping you from
being as mentally strong as you could be? And what is one small step that you could take
today? Right here, right
now. Thank you
health
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